The Introverted Rainmaker

Gratitude thought for 3/27/12

I received the note below from my friend Steve Stoup of Fidelity Bank in Edina:

Jim:  Here is the characterization about coaching from the book The Art of Fielding and it comes from the team's catcher, a senior in college who everyone figures will go on to be a coach (but he doesn't want to)

Steve

"I already knew I could coach.  All you have to do is look at each of your players and ask yourself:  'What story does this guy wish someone would tell him about himself?'  And then you tell the guy that story.  You tell it with a hint of doom. You include his flaws.  You include the many obstacles that can prevent him from succeeding.  That is what makes the story epic:  the player, the hero, has to suffer mightily en route to his final triumph.  I know that people love to suffer, as long as the suffering makes sense.  Everybody suffers. 

The key is to choose the form of your suffering.  Most people can't do that alone, they need a coach.  A good coach makes you suffer in a way that suits you.  A bad coach makes everyone suffer in the same way, and so is more like a torturer.”

Since I try to change my gratitude notes ever day or two, and I love this line so much, I'm posting it here.

Again...

What story do you wish someone would tell you about yourself?

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How can a goal not be a goal?

Coach Steve Chandler makes a major distinction between a "result goal" and a "process goal." 

Chandler says we should focus on "process goals" because we have control over the process (the actions we take), but little over the result of those actions.

What Chandler calls the result goal, I now think of as "the thing I kinda want because I think it will get me to the thing I really, really want." I'm starting to think of that result just as the surrogate desire and no longer even considering it my goal. 

I'm thinking it's the process (the work I believe I must do) and only the process that is my goal.  My only goal. 

I appreciate Chandler's distinction between result and process, but I confuse myself if I use the word "goal" in both places.

So while I'm mindful of the result I want this year because I believe it will get me toward the thing I really want, if I'm going to really follow the advice of all the experts and have my "goal" be specific, measurable, etc., then my one and only goal is to take the actions I believe I must take.

My question for you:  do you think this point matters?

Have fun,
Coach Jim

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My goal isn't the thing I really want

I gave a presentation recently about what you can do to better achieve your goals.

One comment I made really struck a nerve with one of the participants in a way that ended up having an impact on me.  What I had said was that I doubted that any goals I've ever set were actually the things I really wanted.  When I was a swimmer, I had a goal to break 2:00 in a 200 yard free.  What I really wanted was to feel I was competent.  I figured going 1:59.99 or better would give me that.

I could of had the goal of setting a team record, qualifying for the state championships, or any number of other things and in the end, they would all have been about feeling competent.

In her book Succeed:  How We Can Reach Our Goals, author Heidi Grant Halvorson writes that the goals that motivate us the most (or at least give us the most fulfillment when we reach them) are goals that improve our relationships, have us feel more competent or bring us more autonomy (freedom).  I suspect every goal I've ever had was aimed at getting me more of one of those three things.

So what?

Experts, including Halvorson, tell us goals are more effective if they're specific.  Not just specific, but "SMART" as in:

• Specific (or Significant, Stretching, or Simple)
• Measurable 
• Attainable (or Appropriate, Achievable, Ambitious, Aligned, Aspirational, or Acceptable)
• Relevant (or Realistic or Responsible)
• Time Based

Breaking two minutes in a 200 free is a lot "SMARTer" than "feeling more competent" is.  The things I really want are never "SMART."  They are about how I feel about myself or others.  They are abstract. 

I very well may be alone in this, but I feel more comfortable understanding that my specific targets are surrogates for what I really want.  If I find myself unmotivated by my surrogate (target/milestone/goal), then I should step back and reconnect with the thing I really, really want and pick a surrogate that is something I want, too.

Enough for now.  Next time I'll share why I've decided that even that target/milestone/goal isn't my target/milestone/goal anymore either.  It's just the result I want.

Have fun,

Coach Jim

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When all there is to do is to drag yourself to the next point

I've had a series of conversations lately with entrepreneurs who are struggling.  Their struggles have persisted long enough that each morning presents the challenge of just suiting up for another day in the trenches.

Following a recent conversation, I racked my brain for suggestions I could give these folks.  One notion that came to me was from the movie Touching the Void.  I've touched on that before so I'll just share one point.

In that real-life event, Joe Simpson falls while climbing a mountain in Peru.  He has broken an ankle, heal  and knee.  His partner has left him for dead.  He's alone and in a helpless situation.  He knows he cannot survive.

There's an amazing scene in the movie where he realizes his only choice is where he will die.  He makes the decision "I'm not going to die here."

He proceeds to set one milestone after another.  Simpson drags himself to a rock.  Then he drags himself to a mound of snow.  Drags himself from there to a hunk of ice.  Then to another rock and on and on and on.

My point is not to emphasize the worst view of your situation.  The point is to give yourself one single point of focus.  Get to that next rock.

Pick one milestone at the start of the day and aim for that.  When you get there, pick another.

Writing this blog was one of mine.  Now I'll come up with another.

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More Marshmallows

   In my last post, I reviewed the famous "marshmallow" studies and the implications of how important self control is in life.  I mentioned that David Rock's book Your Brain at Work emphasizes how easy it is to increase our self control;  all we need to do is follow a new daily practice.  One example I mentioned was flossing.

   I hate flossing.  It is boring.  My dental professionals have always ooed and awed at my beautiful enamel so I have always skated through life on my enameled good looks.  I should floss.  I know that.  It's boring.  I do it only rarely.

   After writing that blog I got to thinking.  I really would love to increase my self control for lots of reasons.  I wonder if I could take on flossing, not for the sake of my teeth, but for the sake of building my self control "muscle?"

   I bet I could.

   That has me wonder if parents could get their kids to develop the practices and habits the parents want their kids to develop, but do it inside the context of developing the self control the kid may want?

   Could it work?

   Could you get your child to understand that making their bed every day could help them build the self control that would have them not blurt something out at school, do better at gymnastics, remember to do their homework or whatever the thing is your child actually wants for themselves?

  Could it work?

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Enjoy that marshmallow...but not yet

  I recently participated as a presenter at a one day seminar (called the ADD Grand Slam) for educators.  One point I emphasized was that kids (and adults) with ADD are at a disadvantage  because their neurobiology makes it harder for them to control and direct their attention.  We ADD'ers tend to be prisoners of what we want or find interesting in that moment.  (The parts of the brain that control attention depend on dopamine and people with ADD have lower levels of dopamine).  People with normal dopamine levels can more easily decide where they want to put their attention.  The ability to decide where to put your attention is central to self control.

   It turns out that self control may be the key to a happy and successful life.

     Back in the 1970's, Walter Mischel, the Stanford professor of psychology did some research with kids to test their self-control.  Picture a 4-year-old sitting at a table alone in a room with one of the psychologists.  The researcher explains to the child that he or she can eat the marshmallow in front of them if they want, but if they can wait until the researcher comes back in a few (15) minutes, the child can have an additional marshmallow to eat.

   Thirty percent of the kids could wait the 15 minutes.  Most of the kids couldn't make it past three minutes.  A few kids ate the marshmallow before the researcher had a chance to complete the instructions.

   These studies were set aside and Mischel went on to other things until he started to notice, by accident (the kids in the study went to school with his daughters) that the choices the kids made as they got older seemed to correlate to whether they were in the 30% group or not.  Mischel went back to the project and it is now one of the most famous psychological studies ever.

   It turned out that the kids that had the self control to wait 15 minutes for a second treat did better in grade school, had more friends in high school, scored higher on their SAT tests and then did better in college, grew up to be happier and eventually more successful than the kids who couldn't wait.

   For the record, as Mischel mentions in a great New Yorker article, there were some kids who didn't have much self control at four and ate the marshmallow who developed their self control as they got older.  They learned to wait.

   One of the things that struck me in Mischel's comments was this:  “'The kids who couldn’t delay...would think that the best way to resist the marshmallow is to stare right at it, to keep a close eye on the goal. But that’s a terrible idea.'  According to Mischel, this view of will power also helps explain why the marshmallow task is such a powerfully predictive test. 'If you can deal with hot emotions, then you can study for the S.A.T. instead of watching television,' Mischel says. 'And you can save more money for retirement. It’s not just about marshmallows.' ”

  It turns out the kids who could wait 30 minutes figured out ways to distract themselves, to direct their attention elsewhere.  The mostly forgot about the marshmallow.  What I see here is that self control isn't about being mindful of two things (what you both want now and want in the long term).  It's about forgetting about the thing you want now, the self-forbidden fruit, and doing something else.  At least as I work with this myself, I see I can't just think about something other than the "marshmallow." I have to get my brain engaged elsewhere.

   The good news, as mentioned earlier, is that it is possible to increase our self control.  In his book, Your Brain at Work, David Rock says it is easy to do that.  All you need to do is take on some daily practices that aren't already habits.  This can include such things as:

• flossing
• making your bed
• putting your breakfast dishes in the sink or dishwasher

   Given many of my entrepreneurial clients like me shoot ourselves in the foot from time-to-time because of insufficient self control, I will be focusing on leveraging Rock's suggestions about the easy ways to increase self control.

   By the way, you might wonder how "ADD'er" ever manages to get anywhere if all this is true.  Aside from those who do develop sufficient self control, many of the adult ADD'ers have built careers around what they enjoy and find interesting.  That's one reason why I challenge my ADD clients that their primary job is to figure out how to want to do what they need to do.

  Finally, local TV station WCCO did a bit on their evening news a couple of years ago about this.  You can find that five-minute clip on You Tube.

   Enjoy...just not yet.

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Resources:

Your Brain at Work by David Rock

No:  Why Kids -- of All Ages -- Need to Hear it and Why Parents Can say it by David Walsh

Don't Gobble the Marshmallow...Ever!: The Secret to Sweet Success in Times of Change by Joachim de Posada

 

 

Figure out how to WANT to do what you HAVE to do

    Years ago, before I was thoroughly tested for ADD, I'd had the thought every now-and-then that I only did what I wanted to do.  I did manage to do what I had to do, but only after buying some software or electric tool to use to make it fun.  I got really good at figuring out how to want to do the things I had to do.

   Back in the late 90's, I was slated to facilitate a symposium of entrepreneurs who worked with other entrepreneurs.

   I contacted a brilliant psychologist and talented business woman I knew (Cheryl Leitschun Ph.D.) to come in and do an hour or so on the subject of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).  I already knew that ADD was common among their clients and I figured everyone in the room might fit the profile...maybe even me.

    Cheryl did a great job and I got launched in my interest of ADD & ADHD and other brain stuff.

   This all came in handy the other day when I met a prospective client referred to me by a psychologist who specializes in ADD and related issues.

   About two hours into our conversation I told the guy that I'd never ask him to be disciplined.  I wouldn't expect him to gut it out to do something boring.  I wouldn't hold him accountable to force himself to do the things he hated.

   I said I would hold him responsible for working with me to figure out how he could want to do those things.  That was his job now:  learn how to want to do the things he had to do.

   He looked at me and said he could hug me.

   My point isn't that I want you to stop being disciplined.  My point is that, if your body and brain chemistry doesn't provide you the raw materials to be disciplined, but it does provide you the raw materials to be passionate, driven and inspired, shift your focus from discipline to inspiration.

   A couple of posts ago, I mentioned David Rock's latest book Your Brain at Work.  One of the topics Rock discusses is how to get yourself going when you're stuck in low gear.  Rock writes that what we all need at those times is to get some dopamine going in our brains.  Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for giving us the experience of reward.  It's the chemical that provides the experience and great feeling we get when we do the things we love doing. 

   If you're stuck, the best thing to get you going is a squirt of dopamine.  One way to do that is to do something you want to do.  Start by looking for fun things that are relevant to what's important to your business, family or life.  If you don't have any "important" tasks that are fun, then do something unimportant but fun.  

   Even if you just do it for a few minutes.  Rock writes that just changing the height of your office chair can trigger the release of some dopamine.  In that case, calling your best friend and talking baseball for five minutes could turn your whole day around.

   In case that didn't get your attention, try this from Rock's book:  "Dopamine levels rise when you want something, even something as simple as [crossing the street]."  If we need dopamine to get going and just wanting something can trigger the release of dopamine; and if you're stuck not taking action on a critical project that offers you nothing you want, I suggest you spend 10 minutes working on something you do want followed by 10 minutes considering why you might want to do the project you're stuck on.  Heidi Grant Halvorson (last blog) writes that, if you're stuck on a project you know how to do, review why you're doing it to get going.

   And, just for the record, I do believe there are times when discipline matters.  I'll leave that for another day and another blogger.

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Proving or Improving?

   One question that often comes to my mind is what is the difference between the places in life where I consistently succeed and the places where I consistently struggle?

   The only answer I've ever entertained is that where I'm successful I must be committed to being successful and doing the work and where I struggle I must be kidding myself about my true commitments and desires.  Put differently, where I win I do and where I lose I only try.

   Even if that explanation were true, it doesn't offer any useful suggestions for improvement beyond "quit trying and start doing."

   Interesting word, "improvement."  It turns out it might offer the answer.

   According to Heidi Grant Halverson's book Succeed:  How We Can Reach Our Goals, there are a number of different ways people can express the same essential goal.  One of the choices is setting a goal that will prove our ability vs. setting a goal that will improve our ability.  She writes:

"When you are focused on getting better, rather than on being good, you benefit in two very important ways. First, when things get tough—when you are faced with complexity, time pressure, obstacles, or unexpected challenges—you don’t get so discouraged. You’re more likely to believe you can still do well if you just keep trying. Second, when you do start to have doubts about how well you are doing, you are more likely to stay motivated anyway. Because even if you think succeeding will be difficult for you, you can still learn. Improvement is still possible. You can still get better. So when a task is difficult, and persistence is the key to higher achievement, get-better mastery goals have the clear advantage."

   I think that what Grant-Halvorson means here is that the person whose goal is to prove their worth, prove their ability, prove they deserve to be accepted or respected or prove whatever has put so much of their self-esteem on the line that when things get challenging and difficult, they can too easily get discouraged even to the point giving up. Elsewhere, Halvorson writes that people who tend to focus on what she also calls "being good" goals instead of "getting good" goals will shy away from challenges that are too big.  They can't risk looking like they aren't so good.

   But the person who is focused on improving or getting better hasn't put their self-esteem at stake.  Thus, when things get hard, they try harder.  They ask for help.  They keep going.

   This all reminds me of coaching Steve Chandler has given me personally many times and he offers us all in his latest book, Time Warrior.  In that book, Steve writes:

Process goals encouraged me to enjoy the present moment. They are brief and achievable. I set up process goals and fun tasks and projects so that I never had to worry about future “outcome” goals.

   Like so many things Steve shares, his wisdom has once again been supported by science. 

   Next up for me is to change my focus with certain goals.  Having said all this, I ask you:  Where are you trying to prove yourself where you'd be better served to focus on improving?

   Enjoy.

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Goal Setting Treasure Trove

   According to her web site,
Heidi Grant Halvorson, "is a rising star in the field of motivational science.  She is a an Expert Blogger for Fast Company, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, as well as a regular contributor to the BBC World Service's Business Daily, the Harvard Business Review, and SmartBrief's SmartBlog on Leadership.  Her writing has also been featured on CNN Living and Mamapedia." 

   I've just started her book Succeed * How We Can Reach Our Goals.  I recommend it.

   One little tidbit I've enjoyed is the importance of believing you can succeed in reaching your goal.

   Would it surprise you to know that the people who have the most confidence that they will be successful are more likely to be successful?  Probably not.

   The interesting part is that the people who both have great confidence they will succeed and believe their success will be difficult and will require very hard work are the most likely to succeed.  That I find interesting.

  Another tidbit that I enjoyed is that the people who are working toward a goal because they want to achieve the result are less likely to achieve a difficult result than are those who are working toward that same goal because they want to get better at that thing. 

   In both situations, the person who expects it to take hard work and the person who is seeking to improve will be better able to handle adversity than will the person who thinks it will be easy or the person who just wants the result / the money / the brass ring.

   I'm certain I'll find lots more from this book to share so stay tuned.

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Making Prioritizing a Priority

   While enjoying the power outage vacationing in Bayfield, WI over the July 4th holiday, I was able to finish reading David Rock's book Your Brain at Work.  I first heard of Rock through his famous article The Neuroscience of Leadership.

   Rock got my attention in the book's opening "scene."  Emily is one of the book's two main characters.  She's in the first day of a new job after a major promotion.  Having arrived at work early, she sits down to prioritize her day, but finds it so daunting she is easily distracted when her computer alerts her that she has 100 new email.  Intimidated by the challenge of prioritizing amidst all the new and unknown of her promotion, she's seduced into slogging through the email.

   An hour and 40-email later, Emily realizes she needs to hustle off to her first meeting.  Emily and we readers quickly realize that first day isn't going to go well because she's not recognized her priority tasks.

   Rock pauses his narrative to explain that prioritizing is among the hardest jobs our brains are asked to do because it requires remembering tasks and promises, contemplating the future, comparing and contrasting the importance of tasks and reviewing our motivations and those of others.  One point is that it's human nature to dodge such a challenging task.  The larger point is that, if you start your day by working on email or any other thinking-task, you're likely to burn off the metabolic resources you need to prioritize.  Think of it this way:  If you needed every single ounce of your physical strength to do a task and you used two ounces of that strength putting on your shoes, you'd no longer have that every-ounce you need to do that bigger task.

   Having started her day with email, Emily has blown the chance to bring her best thinking to the task of prioritizing.

   This explains why I've never been able to take that 10 minutes at the end of the day, when I'm tired and burned out, to identify the top priorities for my tomorrow. 

   Understanding how much energy it takes to plan and prioritize, I've changed my 15-year practice of dedicating Monday's to office and administrative work.  Since I have more energy on Mondays, I'm going to use that energy for planning, prioritizing and writing.  I've asked my administrative support person to change her regular visit to Fridays.

   This morning, I started my day by reviewing my tasks and projects.  I've decided to emphasize writing this week and here's the first result.

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